May 9th.

It's like 2 o'clock in the morning, and I can't get myself to sleep with the fact that tomorrow is finally the d-day.

The day when future seems one step closer.

I don't know which way God will lead me to, though.

And that suspense is killing me.

I don't know, I'm probably excited and scared in the same time.

I just don't know how to handle myself when 17:00 arrive. 

For now, I can only pray.

:(

Where am I in these circles?

Do I even have a place?

To be honest; I'm sad.

I guess I'm done.

Selepas GR.

Should we actually wait until we're good enough to be accepted, or we should've look for someone to accept us for who we actually are? 

Both sound right for me,

--and confusing as well.

.

In just one night, I found out that my world is not only with this people.

I thought I like these guys. Turns out I don't know whether I'm choosing to stay, or I actually just have no place but to be with them.

I found these other comunity, that in just a matter of hours, makes me very comfortable. Makes my heart pound because of my excitement. I like to be around these people. 

I don't know. Should I just wait for you here, or should I leave and look for a new start for myself? You wouldn't care anyway, don't you?

I don't know. Are leaving for a new comunity is more cruel than leaving because you don't have time anymore?

I don't know. Should I wait for you, again, until God knows when, or actually try to moving on with my life?

Should I wait 'till it gets better; or should I leave for the better?

I don't know.

00:46.

Pesan

Jalanan ini terlampau sepi untukku yang baru saja membuka mata tiga puluh menit yang lalu. 

"Ngantuk," racauku dalam hati. Mengeluhkan mengapa aku harus mendapatkan pekerjaan yang mengaruskanku bangun jam 3:30 dari Senin hingga Sabtu.

Bunga-bunga nampaknya juga masih tertidur. Pun mereka terlihat masih kuyub akibat badai tadi malam.

Atap perumahan yang kulewati juga masih meneteskan air hujan. Seakan menolak kering dan menunjukan kegagahannya untuk melindungi.

Sayu mataku menatap kejauhan. Udara dingin justru membuat kedua pelopakku makin berat. 

"Yakin benar aku, aku sudah salah pekerjaan," keluhku untuk yang kesekian kalinya pagi ini.

Tampaknya Ibu dan Ayahku tidak setuju juga. Namun apa daya, nasib mengantarkanku kesini.

"Bah!" Kataku, "Nasib, kejam sekali kau!" Kali ini aku mulai merutuk. Sekalipun tidak membantu, setidaknya rasa kantukku berkurang.

Suryapun akhirnya mulai mengintip dari langit temaram. Aku mendengus kesal, menunjukkan ketidaksukaanku pada kenyataan bahwa waktu tidur kini sudah resmi selesai.

Kakiku melangkah lebih cepat, menuju arah matahari terbit. Benakku berdoa, semoga harin ini akan menjadi hari yang indah.