Hatred

Do you ever feel unwanted?

Despite that people often see me as the person who always loved by everyone, know how to control my emotion and easy to pick up a conversation; I’m a very insecure person. And you will surprised on how many times I actually feel unwanted by the society.

Yes. I’m very insecure. I have trust issues. The number of people I trust outside of my main family member is zero.

I might be loud at voice. I laugh at anything. I smile over anything. When in the same time I am really worried about how people actually think about me. How they might misjudge me. How they might hate me for a reason I don’t know. How I can be left alone anytime.

I hate this. I hate this lonely feeling when I’m actually in the middle of a crowd. I hate this empty feeling when everyone is actually cheering at me.

I hate it.

So much, that I can explode.

I hate that I can trust no one to express my true feelings. I hate that I found no one truly understand what inside my head. I hate that no one ever stay for real. I hate that I can’t even be brave enough to love someone, because I can’t find anyone I can trust.

I hate it, so much.

And this is the first time I ever wrote something that full of hatred.

9 months before she's turning 20,

Sasha.